The adventures of Captain Douchetard and his Doucheballs
If you are a regular reader of this blog you’ll know that there is nothing that Flic and Sam like more than getting dirty, filthy dirty.
Ooh, and the sun…and sweat…and nonsense.
Today all those things came together in a giant estate in the Hampshire countryside. Welcome to Tough Mudder. Tough Mudder is a 12 mile running race with 21 military-style obstacles to complete. It is attended by thousands of would-be Mudders all striving for an 80s-style dayglo orange towelling headband.
Team Sweat & Nonsense has been renamed for this event as Captain Douchetard and the Doucheballs and includes a special team member, the lovely Michael Pagnotta – one of Flic’s clients.
So apparently this isn’t a race, it’s a challenge. Good job none of us are competitive then.
Because we all need a wee we might be a smidge late for the start so begin the race, sorry challenge, at the back of the pack. Not for long though. Excuse me, coming through.
We weave through the pack, slipping through easily as we are all lubed up with coconut oil. Applied of course mainly as the real race of the year is who can be the brownest. Competition between Flic and Sam is fierce. Flic may have created a monster in Sam as the pair now go lube for lube in the grease up for tanning stakes.
Obstacle one was Kiss of Mud. Scrambling through mud underneath barbed wired. Fine if you are small and have flat hair, not quite so easy if you’ve decided to sport a high ponytail for the race – eh, Flic?
Muddied up early on. Then run run run. Pass pass pass. Scramble over some tall fences. Run run run. Then it’s time to jump into a big muddy pool from a great height. Close eyes. Jump. Underwater for what feels like an age. Pop up to top. Contacts still in. Phew. And we’re clean. Ish. And shorts are still on. Potentially not in the right place though. Erm.
Run run run. How the hell did they find all these hills in this field? Evil.
Next up is up and over some massive logs, laid horizontally and piled high. Just too wide to get a grip on and someone naughty has slipperied them up. But when it comes to handling wood, the three of us are pretty good so we find our grip, then straddle, then slip down the other side. Under, over, under, over. Lose some skin. Love it. Run run run. Pass pass pass.
Michael comes into his element for the next obstacle – Dirty Ballerina – as he flies over the massive ditches. Flic and Sam go a bit girlie. For once. One at time but cleared. On we go.
Next up is Human Gecko and here we can use the skills we learned bouldering (see post a few blogs back). We whizz across the wall and then speed off. No problem.
Oooh. Now here comes the goodie. Arctic Enema. Skips full of ice and water. Jump in. Go under an obstacle. Come up the other side. Cold. Disorientated. Frozen bits. Exhilarated. Love it. Team high fives. Shorts still remaining in kind of the right place. World, or rather Hampshire, is not quite our gynaecologist. Yet.
Run run run.
Ooh yay! More mud. This time it’s scrambling through it under a tank. Is this all a rouse to make girls lose their shorts?
Straight out from under the tank into wet, muddy tubes, one goes down, the other goes up. This time you have to use your forearms and elbows to drag yourself along. Potentially roll sports bra up above nipples in the process. No boobage to hold it down. Readjust and run on.
More hills. Up and down we go. Each Douchetard and Doucheball taking their turn on the front.
Oh no. Monkey bars. Flic tells Sam to channel Miami where she managed to monkey bar forwards and a little bit backwards. But they weren’t covered in butter. One bar and Sam is in the water. Fail. Flic makes it further but curses not having her liquid chalk. Michael makes it dangerously close to the end before deciding to take a little dip.
Then it’s time to get really dirty. Up and over muddy peaks, down into muddy water. Over and over. Caked in mud. Love it. Run run run.
Pick up log. Or rather we stick Michael in the middle and he carries the log. Sometimes you have to play the girl card. Sam looks down at leg, which appears to be caked in muddy blood. Hmmm. Pretty standard that she would have bloodied herself somehow. The others will later too so their mocking will be punished!
Blood and mud soon washed off as we jump over a wall of fire into another muddy pool. These cold baths are super refreshing and really get your legs going again.
On we speed, overtaking all the time.
Uh oh. Balance time. Jump on to wobbly floating islands on more cold water. Flic and Michael try the run over them fast method. Doesn’t work. Splash. Sam tries the jump on each one, do the balance wiggle she has perfected while being tortured with one-legged stuff in the gym with Flic. Works for a while. Fails.
Haul ourselves out of water. Run run run.
Crawl through more muddy tunnels. Trench Warfare. Really helping to be little but we still have to scramble through mud, rocks and lord knows what else to make it to the other side. Having too much fun to feel if any damage is being done as we scrape our bodies over all these unforgiving surfaces.
Then it’s time to crawl on your belly through water while trying to avoid being electrocuted by low hanging electrodes. All of us through with ease and no shocks. Easy.
Run run run.
Hero Carry. Instead of one of us getting on Michael’s back and then finding another strong man to carry us, the McClary/Cole intelligence shows itself to be what it really is and we decide to carry each other. Stupid. But fun. And pretty sure the boys behind us are getting a full moon.
Next up is possibly the hardest of all the obstacles. The Hero Walls. They look at least 100ft tall and we have to scramble over them. Michael gives us a boost over. Not sure he’s handled a girl’s bum for a while. Make it over. Dangle on the other side. Drop. Phew. Ah. How’s Michael gonna get over? We see him through the wood slats. Hmmm. Perhaps we should have stayed on the top to help? Suddenly he pops up and over. Yay! We turn around. Bugger. Another one. Over better this time.
Run run run. Then into a water-filled cage. Pull yourself along. Totally counts as a swim set. Was pretty good at that. Expert swimmers now. First out the water in Turkey next week for sure.
Cross country running now. Loving it. Nothing better than a run through the woods. Lots more excuse mes and coming throughs (we’re terribly polite). Then it’s Everest. A slippery halfpipe you have to run up and scramble over. Sam faceplants. Flic and Michael up and over in one. Sam follows suit.
Run for home. Up over some hay bales then the final obstacle. Electroshock Therapy. Sam just runs for it. Electrocuted but just keeps running. Flic goes for it. Electrocuted on the forehead. Goes down like she’s been shot. Michael goes for it. Electrocuted to the chest. Man down. Up they get and run through. Cross the finish line together. Two very dirty on the outside, one on the inside. Three massive smiles on our faces.
Shame it wasn’t a race. Totally would have won.